Rock Chicks

I would like to take a few paragraphs to comment on the latest crop of Rock Divas.

Christina Aguilera definitely has the most talent.  She can actually sing.  Her voice is strong enough that she doesn't need an amplifier.  She can wail old school.  Plus, she's the only one who tries to be an artist, each of her albums has a distinct feel and sound.

Pink (I'll forgo the exclamation point) consistently over-performs.  She should be cheap, throwaway pop.  But all of her albums deliver above my expectations.  True, a divorce may have fueled her latest creation, but I can keep going back to her songs time and time again.

Avril Lavigne is the anti-Pink.  She should be much better than she is.  She probably made millions by tieing-in her clothing line with the bubble-gum-pop album she released.  But come on, she has more talent than that.  Though she does look good in a plaid mini-skirt.

Beyonce is a gorgeous model.  She's a good actress.  She can't sing.  She's known as a singer.  Sometimes entertainment baffles me.

Things to Do While Your Money Evaporates

We gave the big firms on Wall Street all of our money and like the Good Samaritans they are, they took it.  So while you're watching your retirement go down the tube (while Social Security is being raided) here's a list of things you can do.

6.  Visit your favorite porn star's MySpace page.  That's all MySpace is good for.  Alexis Silver has a pretty good one.

5.   Play King's Bounty.  I think this game has been played by all of three people.  But it's pretty good.  Much better than the over-hyped Spore, and a break from brain death by shooter.  This solo game makes me remember why I like video games.  

4.  Switch to Google Chrome.  Yeah, its the browser that no one uses.  But I like it.  It's a nice step forward in browser technology.  Most of the innovations are under the hood (but super cool) so the front end user won't notice them.  However, take a tour through the product introduction (written as a comic book) and you'll enjoy the improvements over Internet Explorer.

3.  Watch The Shield.  Yeah I know.  All the critics say to watch this show so no one does.  But it's good.  I promise.  Michael Chiklis  is a good actor when he's not in a cheesy Thing rubber suit.  This show will push your moral boundaries.

2.  By an iPhone (assuming you have $300 after Wall Street is done with you).  I haven't stopped playing with mine since I got it.  Plus, it's pretty easy to hide at work.  

1.  Watch The Wire.  Another show that critics like so no one watches.  And it's been cancelled.  Episodes can be downloaded to iTunes pretty cheaply, though. One of it's themes is overwhelming bureaucracy, something that anyone who works for a computer software company should be able to relate to.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

When I was growing up, "Pabst Blue Ribbon" was the beer that people from the trailer park drank. When did it become popular with young people? Now when I go to a bar, I see perfectly respectable young people who seem to have no criminal records drinking it. Next thing you know, they'll be serving Old English at Mortenson's.

Crappy Seventies Restaurants

I just got back from visiting a place in Denver called the Funky Buddha. Its supposed to be a really happening joint, and they're were a lot of young people there. I guess that says something about me if I comment on the amount of young people.

But I don't get the fascination with 70's restaurants like this one -- bad decor, bad food, bad beer, and uncomfortable seats. I mean, there's a reason that the seventies are part of the past: everything was bad.

Of course things might have been better if the food and drinks were at seventies prices, but sorry, the tab was all 2008.

Save Me From The Avocado

Is there a more overrated fruit/vegetable/thing than an avocado? I mean, it doesn't even taste. It's got its own dip (guacamole). It seems to be in every food. But what does it really do? Nothing if you ask me. Don't get me wrong. I know they're plentiful in California. So they have a huge profit margin. And to me it tastes like it. Can't we come up with anything more flavorful then this thing?

MicroBook (FaceSoft?)

Now that all the hubbub around Microsoft/Yahoo is fading, Ballmer has finally turned his attention to an acquisition that actually makes sense -- Microsoft and Facebook. Of course the Wall Street analysts won't like it, mainly for two reasons:

1. The CEO's don't hate each other. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has resisted attempts before at a take over, but Microsoft already has a small investment in Facebook. Assuming Zuckerberg wants to sell at all (and that's a BIG if) there should be very little dick measuring before this deal is done.
2. Not enough people will be fired. Facebook has 500 employees, Microsoft 100,000. Microsoft could swallow this company whole with very little layoffs. Some executives may be let go, but they all have packages. Make sure you wave to them next time you see them on the beach (assuming you can still afford to go anywhere with a beach).

What Microsoft needs is a platform from which to push out Internet applications. This is what Google has that no one else does. Yes, search gets all the press (and let's face it, generates the money). But once you're at Googles web site, you can use applications such as Blogger, Google Docs, and Google Earth. And it doesn't matter what kind of computer you have. And you it doesn't crash. And you don't have to download updates. And -- well, you get the picture.

Google acts as an operating system for the web. That what scares Microsoft. With a little work, Facebook could become Microsoft's operating system for the web. But the acquisition makes too much sense. I'm sure it won't go through.

CNN Hotties

I would say the women with the highest looks to intelligence ratio work for CNN. Namely, they are Campbell Brown, Soledad O'Brien, and Erica Hill (pant, pant). I don't know who they are married to, but their husbands struck it rich in the gene pool: all of their kids will look great and be able to do Calculus.

With excuses that Katie Couric is giving about leaving CBS (male chauvinism, bad producers, etc...), has anyone noticed how good Campbell Brown is at filling in for Anderson Cooper? Of course, I think I'm one of three people in the nation that watch Anderson Cooper, but Campbell Brown is ready for the Big Time.

The Summer Hype

I've worked in the computer software industry for over twelve years. During that time, I've come to realize that tech stocks are like summer movies: they're accompanied by hype; people pay to much for them; and everyone realizes they just aren't very good. Here are this summer's cases in point.

AOL
Everyone must buy American Online. It's for sale! Get it while you still can!
Yeah, right. AOL hasn't done anything right in over a decade. Remember their merger with Time Warner? No good ideas coming from that place in recent memory, and I can't think of one person employed at AOL that's actually respected by the high tech community.
Time Warner is just dying to unload this dog. Do everyone a favor Microsoft and Yahoo (and whatever other suitors are out there) let this dog die. It has too many fleas, heart worms, and roundworms.

Microhoo!
The proposed merger of Microsoft and Yahoo. The deal of the century! This century is only eight years old, but I think there are better merger ideas than this one. The combination of two losers don't make a winner. Microsoft employees and shareholders should be breathing a sigh of relief. Every Yahoo shareholder should sue. Now. By the end of Friday, May 16th, Yahoo stock will be at the price of $19 a share where it belongs. That price is actually too high for a company that can't actually produce anything. It will probably never see $21 again in my lifetime.
Should this merger ever go through, Microsoft employees should update their resumes immediately because this acquisition will be on the wrong side of the balance sheet for a LOOOOOOOONG time.

Google Ads on Yahoo!
This is the great poison pill! The reason why Microsoft would not go hostile on its Yahoo takeover bid. Google ads!
Some nutjob on Wall Street actually said this deal was worth $1billion. Please. This deal isn't worth one billion pesos. If the Google ads covered in the deal could generate $1billion dollars, they wouldn't be farming it out to Yahoo.

Don't believe the hype. Though I'm sure someone will. Like I'll go see Iron Man and a bunch of other summer movies, too. Just don't complain about how you've spent your money if you do.

MicroSloth

How the mighty have fallen. Have you tried to use a Microsoft product lately? I have. I guess Microsoft is having trouble developing their own products instead of just stealing other people's.



I'll start with Windows Vista. Unfortunately, my household is subject to the tyranny of Vista. What's wrong with it? Let me count the ways:

1. It's a forced upgrade. I never really wanted Vista, but when I bought new computers for me and my fiance, I was forced to buy it. And to downgrade to XP forces me to prove that I am somehow incapacitated (such as missing an arm or leg). The fact that Vista is a crappy product apparently isn't good enough.
2. It has the most irritating security feature that anyone has ever had to pay for. How many times do I have to click the "continue" button to install and application? Let me count the ways. Once when the autoexec executable starts. Another when the setup executable starts. I need an ergonomic mouse from Microsoft just to keep up with the clicks. Of course, that adds to Microsoft's bottom line.
3. None of the features I wanted aren't there. Half-way through developing Vista, Microsoft threw away their code base (I'll get back to that later). So, all of the things that I wanted like a new file system, a search feature that worked, and an actual logical way of organizing my data were thrown out the window (pun intended).
4. It's slow. That's self-explanatory. Not to mention that it takes up a lot of memory. And why to gadgets take up 500MB? I only have the calendar, time, and currency conversion gadget running. How complicated is that?
5. I still can't find anything. The "revitalized" file system never showed up, and the search feature should still be in Beta. Enough said.
6. Vista isn't pretty. Muhammed Ali was "so pretty." Vista isn't. Ali was also champ. Vista isn't that, either. Sorry Microsoft, "big icons" don't translate into "pretty." Especially after all the hype that made me think this thing was going to look like a Van Gogh. I wonder how well-liked Vista is in Amsterdam?

How did this happen?

Midway through Vista development, Microsoft realized that they had a problem with their code base and threw away most of their development. This is the equivalent of a construction company building a mansion for four years, tearing it down six months before they let the tenants move in, and then telling everyone they can build a better house in less than two years. We all know where this leads -- leaking roofs and faulty plumbing.

And how about Office 2007? Well, Microsoft hid everything. Now I can't find anything in Office. So, I paid more money to do less because anything I want to do is hidden. Microsoft used to be known as the user interface company. Most user interface departments are fairly small in software companies, but the whole reason to buy Microsoft products used to be because they were easy to use.

On a positive note, the developers have shied away from the "Word documents recovery crutch" and have actually made a stable product in Word 2007. Though I still think the best product was Word 98. It didn't crash and ran fine. Did I mention that Office 2007 is slow?

Microsoft's Answer: We're Going to the Internet Anyway

Lately, Microsoft's answer to customers complaints has essentially been "We're Going to the Internet, Anyway." Great. We all know what a great Internet visionary Ballmer has been. Does anyone remember search? Tried to find anything with Live search lately? Enough said.

So the big brain storm was to buy Yahoo. I was going to trash Ballmer for this, but he walked away from the deal. Good job. I actually thought the bid of $31 was too high so maybe all is not lost.

Bicycling

I don't understand the concept of modern bicycling. By "modern bicycling" I mean the process by which an average person spends over $1000 on a bicycle he will never use and then spends another $500 on wearing Spandex that he should never wear after reaching the age of 21.

I think the problem with bicycling (as opposed to cycling, which is what professionals do) boils down to the bicycle seat. How come you pay $1000 for a bicycle and get a $5 seat? Can't anyone come up with a seat that is comfortable? I think they should replace the seat with a metal spike and some Vaseline. That would be more comfortable than the seats of today.

Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl

The Pittsburgh Steelers will be in the Super Bowl XLIII. They have improved dramatically with the drafting of Rashard Mendenhall. They need a power runner -- as emphasized in the "Soup Bowl" last year -- and he's it. No one else they drafted needs to even show up on the football field. Judging from the look of the NFC, if the Steelers get to the Super Bowl, they'll win it. This year is Pittsburgh's year.

Shopping for Men's Shoes and Eye Wear

I have made the mistake recently of trying to shop for a GOOD pair of men's shoes. After spending most of my life in a $30 pair sneakers, I decided to upgrade to a pair of expensive shoes. Not necessarily dress shoes, just a pair of shoes that looked good Big Mistake. After seeing the travesty that accounts for men's shoes these days, I came up with three questions for shoe companies.

1. When did it become fashionable for men to wear flip-flops? No matter what their price tag, they're still flip-flops. No man should be wearing flip-flops unless there is a beach around. I live in Colorado, I a see men wearing a $200 pair of jeans and flip-flops in 45 degree weather. Stop the madness. Any male over the age of thirteen caught wearing flip-flops without any sand around should be forced to take a three day bar tending course to improve his flow of testosterone.
2. Who decided that men should wear tassels? I don't remember anyone asking me. I want shoes that man people say "that man has taste" not "that man is either gay or just came in from hunting in the Serengeti." Again, punishment for tasseled men should be make them cut the tassels off of their shoes, take a three day bar tending course, and dig ditches for two weeks.
3. Why penny loafers? The penny loafer is the epitome of bad men's shoes. No self-respecting man should be caught alive or dead in them. Those caught still breathing and wearing the worst fashion statement ever made should take a three day bar tending course, dig ditches for two weeks, and build a Habitat for Humanity house -- by themselves.

The state of men's shoes is pathetic. And don't bother googling "good men's shoes" because the results are not. It's enough to make one stick to the bargain bin at Famous Footwear.

Of course some designer could solve this problem, then maybe he could move on to the sorry state of eye wear. Didn't anyone watch that Seinfeld episode? It's been over a decade. Men have two choices for eye wear:

1. Glasses that haven't changed since the 1950's.
2. Glasses that look better on women.

No wonder everyone complains about how men dress.

Who decided that men want to wear tassels on their shoes?