Mindless Palaver

Review of Alan Wake

2010-07-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

I assume that since the first words out of the narrator's mouth were "Stephen King" that Microsoft Studios intentionally wanted you to feel like that you're in a Stephen King novel. Well, they've done a very good job of it. Unfortunately, at it's heart, Alan Wake is just another shooter, on a platform dominated by shooters, from a publisher known for repackaging other people's ideas and trying to pawn them off as genius.

That's not to say that Alan Wake doesn't have a lot going for it. The graphics are beautiful and lifelike. You really do feel like you're in the middle of the pacific northwest. When you walk across a dilapidated bridge, you look down and see the waves below you moving and reflecting light in a realistic way. Character models are also very detailed (though Alan's wife looks like she has a little too much Botox).

What sets Alan Wake apart is the writing. Mikko Rautalahti wrote the story and he goes out of his way to prove that his grasp or character, story, and pacing far excels any of his brethren (that includes Mass Effect and Dragon Age Origins). The characters are straight out of a Stephen King novel and at least three of the Master of Horror's works will pop into your mind within 20 minutes of this game. It helps that the voice acting is well done and that the actors seem to care about this material (as opposed to the sleepwalking-cash my check attitude prone to video games). Alan is a flushed-out real person. He has a sharp, wounding sense of humor compounded by the fact that not only is he a writer, but he's a writer from New York. At the same time, he seems to realize that he's been a real asshole to his wife and that his problems stem from himself, not other people (that however, does not keep him from doing things that he REALLY regrets later on). This all gives him a unique motivation once things get nasty, he's not just a loving husband, but one who realizes he's done a lot of things he should have appologized for a long time ago.

I honestly feel self-conscious about summarizing the plot because I don't think I can convey just how good (in video-game terms) this story is, but here goes. You star as Alan Wake, a writer who has suffered from two years of writer's block after writing a best-selling novel. So that means you've been a jerk to your wife. To save your marriage (not your writer's block as many other reviewers have reported -- I payed real money for this game so I've actually played it) you and your wife decide to travel to the rural town of Bright Falls somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. However, all is not as it seems and pretty soon your wife is missing and you wake up a week later with short term amnesia. The story then revolves around you trying to save said wife and piecing together a story you don't remember writing that may help you solve the mystery of what happened in the previous week.

The pacing of the story is frenetic, with the first ten minutes making me the most excited I've been since the original Fatal Frame (not any of the sucky sequels). Yes, it's a dream sequence but it's probably the best dream sequence in video games, books, TV, and movies in the past 20 years. There are enough bumps and thrills that I pressed my three dogs into service to lie next to me on the couch while I played (they didn't seem to mind).

As you continue on to the town of Bright Falls, you meet enough interesting people and disturbing situations to spark your interest. Throughout the entire experience, the game does a good job of leading you by the nose. I don't think I've been wondering "what happens next" so often since I was forced to watch one episode a week of True Blood in order to catch up on season 2 (apparently Bacchus is not the happy-go-lucky, smoke'em-if-you-got'em god I always thought he was).

The semi-truck hitting the brick wall moment comes when you're actually forced to play the game. You know how many games have a button that you can press in order to skip the story and go to the game play? I wish Alan Wake had the opposite: a button to press in order to skip the game play and go to the story.

Despite the labeling on the package of "psychological thriller" the point of this game is to shoot bunches of enemies. In this case instead of aliens, zombies, or demons the baddies are possessed loggers. This is a two gun shooter, the flashlight in your left hand burns away the darkness that is protecting them while you use the weapon in your right hand to finish them off. The mechanic is neat at first, but I eventually got tired of it. And though the enemy models are very lifelike, I quickly realized there were only three types of enemies that I fought (hand to hand, ranged, and "muscle"). And that I continually fought them over and over and over again.

However, there are some bright spots that made me think things would change. Episode One ended with a haunting song by Roy Orbison that had me running to iTunes to purchase. Episode Two then began with a "Last time on Alan Wake" refresher that seemed right out of any of my favorite cable television shows (currently Dexter but any one will do). So I hoped the game play would pick up. It didn't. Bear traps were added. Irritating, repetitive, unfun bear traps.

I found that I had more fun when there were no enemies around. I enjoyed looking for the book pages, exploring the abandoned plane, or watching the latest episode of the Twilight Zone spin off.

What would I do to improve this game if there's a sequel? I think I would prefer more of a Grand Theft Auto or Dragon Age Origins free-flowing environment. The landscape and the characters are certainly there. Also I would like to see more puzzle solving. As it is now, I think I would prefer to have seen all the game play removed and have this be more of an interactive book along the lines of Disgaea Infinite. I honestly think I would have had more fun. Instead, I got Resident Evil with Plot.

I don't think I'll finish Alan Wake, despite how much I REALLY want to see the ending (though I've heard it's not nearly as good as the earlier episodes). That makes giving it a score hard. Is this what console gaming has devolved to? Endless and endless shooter titles while I'm guilt-tripped by game executives with profit margin reports making me feel like I have to like these? But at the same time there is so much I like about Alan Wake (and there seem to be a whole load of game reviewers on the bandwagon). But in the end, this is a game, and it's the game components that let me down. I'll give it the rental score of 6.5/10 because I can't rate on what could have been (or wish had been). I suggest if you rent this before buying, play a few hours. If you only play the first 20 minutes, then you'll go running to the store to purchase it only to be disappointed later on.

2010-04-24T04:41:00.001-07:00

Sherlock Holmes

Once it became available on pay per view, I finally got around to watching Sherlock Holmes. I must admit that I'm conflicted about this film. The cast, in some respects, is outstanding, particularly Robert Downey Jr. He's emerged from the wasteland of continual rehab to become one of Hollywood's most talented and likable stars. His portrayal of Holmes is spot on, though sometimes I had to really crank up the sound to hear what he was mumbling.

I have to admit that I've always liked Rachel McAdams, and if she had been cast as Maid #3 I would have still wanted to rent this movie just to see her. She gives an energetic and nuanced performance as Holmes' somewhat-love interest Irene Adler. That, combined with her own blend of special effects involving partial nudity back shots and silk robes, was worth the price of the movie alone.

Jude Law gives an enjoyable performance as Dr. Watson. And I've always thought he got more press for whom he dated as opposed to the quality of his work.

Where this movie falls down hard is the villain and his "dastardly" plan. Mark Strong was the only halfway decent thing about RocknRolla (a movie, by the way, I had to start and stop three times before I could finish). However, his Lord Blackwood doesn't come across as particularly intelligent. And once I learned his true identity, I was doubly disappointed. I just get the feeling that Lord Blackwood spends most of his time in the pub having beers with his mates, not cooking up malevolent plans to rule England. I can't help thinking about what a younger Sir Anthony Hopkins could have done with this role. Now there would've been a bad guy for the ages.

As it turns out, despite every character telling me the contrary, Lord Blackwood isn't really that smart. Once I learned of his plan, I knew it wouldn't work. And it really just boils down to the fact that he's buddies with a seven foot tall French guy. And we all know what trouble you get into when the only thing you have going for you is the French.

Blackwood is also a horrible engineer. Apparently, he's never attended a lecture on single point of failure or risk management.

And that's what bothers me most about this movie. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle started a whole new branch of science and law enforcement with his works, but the movie is just a collection of triviality posing as genius. Can't anyone write a plot anymore? Feel free to post comments with the name of any writer born after 1940 that can actually write an original plot.

See Sherlock Holmes for the "good guys" but you'll have to cut the villain a little slack.

Rock Chicks

2008-12-03T00:30:00.000-08:00

I would like to take a few paragraphs to comment on the latest crop of Rock Divas.

Christina Aguilera definitely has the most talent. She can actually sing. Her voice is strong enough that she doesn't need an amplifier. She can wail old school. Plus, she's the only one who tries to be an artist, each of her albums has a distinct feel and sound.

Pink (I'll forgo the exclamation point) consistently over-performs. She should be cheap, throwaway pop. But all of her albums deliver above my expectations. True, a divorce may have fueled her latest creation, but I can keep going back to her songs time and time again.

Avril Lavigne is the anti-Pink. She should be much better than she is. She probably made millions by tieing-in her clothing line with the bubble-gum-pop album she released. But come on, she has more talent than that. Though she does look good in a plaid mini-skirt.

Beyonce is a gorgeous model. She's a good actress. She can't sing. She's known as a singer. Sometimes entertainment baffles me.

Things to Do While Your Money Evaporates

2008-12-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

We gave the big firms on Wall Street all of our money and like the Good Samaritans they are, they took it. So while you're watching your retirement go down the tube (while Social Security is being raided) here's a list of things you can do.

6. Visit your favorite porn star's MySpace page. That's all MySpace is good for. Alexis Silver has a pretty good one.

5. Play King's Bounty. I think this game has been played by all of three people. But it's pretty good. Much better than the over-hyped Spore, and a break from brain death by shooter. This solo game makes me remember why I like video games.

4. Switch to Google Chrome. Yeah, its the browser that no one uses. But I like it. It's a nice step forward in browser technology. Most of the innovations are under the hood (but super cool) so the front end user won't notice them. However, take a tour through the product introduction (written as a comic book) and you'll enjoy the improvements over Internet Explorer.

3. Watch The Shield. Yeah I know. All the critics say to watch this show so no one does. But it's good. I promise. Michael Chiklis is a good actor when he's not in a cheesy Thing rubber suit. This show will push your moral boundaries.

2. By an iPhone (assuming you have $300 after Wall Street is done with you). I haven't stopped playing with mine since I got it. Plus, it's pretty easy to hide at work.

1. Watch The Wire. Another show that critics like so no one watches. And it's been cancelled. Episodes can be downloaded to iTunes pretty cheaply, though. One of it's themes is overwhelming bureaucracy, something that anyone who works for a computer software company should be able to relate to.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

2008-05-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, "Pabst Blue Ribbon" was the beer that people from the trailer park drank. When did it become popular with young people? Now when I go to a bar, I see perfectly respectable young people who seem to have no criminal records drinking it. Next thing you know, they'll be serving Old English at Mortenson's.

Crappy Seventies Restaurants

2008-05-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

I just got back from visiting a place in Denver called the Funky Buddha. Its supposed to be a really happening joint, and they're were a lot of young people there. I guess that says something about me if I comment on the amount of young people.

But I don't get the fascination with 70's restaurants like this one -- bad decor, bad food, bad beer, and uncomfortable seats. I mean, there's a reason that the seventies are part of the past: everything was bad.

Of course things might have been better if the food and drinks were at seventies prices, but sorry, the tab was all 2008.

Save Me From The Avocado

2008-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

Is there a more overrated fruit/vegetable/thing than an avocado? I mean, it doesn't even taste. It's got its own dip (guacamole). It seems to be in every food. But what does it really do? Nothing if you ask me. Don't get me wrong. I know they're plentiful in California. So they have a huge profit margin. And to me it tastes like it. Can't we come up with anything more flavorful then this thing?

MicroBook (FaceSoft?)

2008-05-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

Now that all the hubbub around Microsoft/Yahoo is fading, Ballmer has finally turned his attention to an acquisition that actually makes sense -- Microsoft and Facebook. Of course the Wall Street analysts won't like it, mainly for two reasons:

The CEO's don't hate each other. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has resisted attempts before at a take over, but Microsoft already has a small investment in Facebook. Assuming Zuckerberg wants to sell at all (and that's a BIG if) there should be very little dick measuring before this deal is done.
Not enough people will be fired. Facebook has 500 employees, Microsoft 100,000. Microsoft could swallow this company whole with very little layoffs. Some executives may be let go, but they all have packages. Make sure you wave to them next time you see them on the beach (assuming you can still afford to go anywhere with a beach).

What Microsoft needs is a platform from which to push out Internet applications. This is what Google has that no one else does. Yes, search gets all the press (and let's face it, generates the money). But once you're at Googles web site, you can use applications such as Blogger, Google Docs, and Google Earth. And it doesn't matter what kind of computer you have. And you it doesn't crash. And you don't have to download updates. And -- well, you get the picture.

Google acts as an operating system for the web. That what scares Microsoft. With a little work, Facebook could become Microsoft's operating system for the web. But the acquisition makes too much sense. I'm sure it won't go through.

CNN Hotties

2008-05-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

I would say the women with the highest looks to intelligence ratio work for CNN. Namely, they are Campbell Brown, Soledad O'Brien, and Erica Hill (pant, pant). I don't know who they are married to, but their husbands struck it rich in the gene pool: all of their kids will look great and be able to do Calculus.

With excuses that Katie Couric is giving about leaving CBS (male chauvinism, bad producers, etc...), has anyone noticed how good Campbell Brown is at filling in for Anderson Cooper? Of course, I think I'm one of three people in the nation that watch Anderson Cooper, but Campbell Brown is ready for the Big Time.

The Summer Hype

2008-05-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

I've worked in the computer software industry for over twelve years. During that time, I've come to realize that tech stocks are like summer movies: they're accompanied by hype; people pay to much for them; and everyone realizes they just aren't very good. Here are this summer's cases in point.

AOL
Everyone must buy American Online. It's for sale! Get it while you still can!
Yeah, right. AOL hasn't done anything right in over a decade. Remember their merger with Time Warner? No good ideas coming from that place in recent memory, and I can't think of one person employed at AOL that's actually respected by the high tech community.
Time Warner is just dying to unload this dog. Do everyone a favor Microsoft and Yahoo (and whatever other suitors are out there) let this dog die. It has too many fleas, heart worms, and roundworms.

Microhoo!
The proposed merger of Microsoft and Yahoo. The deal of the century! This century is only eight years old, but I think there are better merger ideas than this one. The combination of two losers don't make a winner. Microsoft employees and shareholders should be breathing a sigh of relief. Every Yahoo shareholder should sue. Now. By the end of Friday, May 16th, Yahoo stock will be at the price of $19 a share where it belongs. That price is actually too high for a company that can't actually produce anything. It will probably never see $21 again in my lifetime.
Should this merger ever go through, Microsoft employees should update their resumes immediately because this acquisition will be on the wrong side of the balance sheet for a LOOOOOOOONG time.

Google Ads on Yahoo!
This is the great poison pill! The reason why Microsoft would not go hostile on its Yahoo takeover bid. Google ads!
Some nutjob on Wall Street actually said this deal was worth $1billion. Please. This deal isn't worth one billion pesos. If the Google ads covered in the deal could generate $1billion dollars, they wouldn't be farming it out to Yahoo.

Don't believe the hype. Though I'm sure someone will. Like I'll go see Iron Man and a bunch of other summer movies, too. Just don't complain about how you've spent your money if you do.

MicroSloth

2008-05-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

How the mighty have fallen. Have you tried to use a Microsoft product lately? I have. I guess Microsoft is having trouble developing their own products instead of just stealing other people's.

I'll start with Windows Vista. Unfortunately, my household is subject to the tyranny of Vista. What's wrong with it? Let me count the ways:

It's a forced upgrade. I never really wanted Vista, but when I bought new computers for me and my fiance, I was forced to buy it. And to downgrade to XP forces me to prove that I am somehow incapacitated (such as missing an arm or leg). The fact that Vista is a crappy product apparently isn't good enough.
It has the most irritating security feature that anyone has ever had to pay for. How many times do I have to click the "continue" button to install and application? Let me count the ways. Once when the autoexec executable starts. Another when the setup executable starts. I need an ergonomic mouse from Microsoft just to keep up with the clicks. Of course, that adds to Microsoft's bottom line.
None of the features I wanted aren't there. Half-way through developing Vista, Microsoft threw away their code base (I'll get back to that later). So, all of the things that I wanted like a new file system, a search feature that worked, and an actual logical way of organizing my data were thrown out the window (pun intended).
It's slow. That's self-explanatory. Not to mention that it takes up a lot of memory. And why to gadgets take up 500MB? I only have the calendar, time, and currency conversion gadget running. How complicated is that?
I still can't find anything. The "revitalized" file system never showed up, and the search feature should still be in Beta. Enough said.
Vista isn't pretty. Muhammed Ali was "so pretty." Vista isn't. Ali was also champ. Vista isn't that, either. Sorry Microsoft, "big icons" don't translate into "pretty." Especially after all the hype that made me think this thing was going to look like a Van Gogh. I wonder how well-liked Vista is in Amsterdam?

How did this happen?

Midway through Vista development, Microsoft realized that they had a problem with their code base and threw away most of their development. This is the equivalent of a construction company building a mansion for four years, tearing it down six months before they let the tenants move in, and then telling everyone they can build a better house in less than two years. We all know where this leads -- leaking roofs and faulty plumbing.

And how about Office 2007? Well, Microsoft hid everything. Now I can't find anything in Office. So, I paid more money to do less because anything I want to do is hidden. Microsoft used to be known as the user interface company. Most user interface departments are fairly small in software companies, but the whole reason to buy Microsoft products used to be because they were easy to use.

On a positive note, the developers have shied away from the "Word documents recovery crutch" and have actually made a stable product in Word 2007. Though I still think the best product was Word 98. It didn't crash and ran fine. Did I mention that Office 2007 is slow?

Microsoft's Answer: We're Going to the Internet Anyway

Lately, Microsoft's answer to customers complaints has essentially been "We're Going to the Internet, Anyway." Great. We all know what a great Internet visionary Ballmer has been. Does anyone remember search? Tried to find anything with Live search lately? Enough said.

So the big brain storm was to buy Yahoo. I was going to trash Ballmer for this, but he walked away from the deal. Good job. I actually thought the bid of $31 was too high so maybe all is not lost.

Bicycling

2008-05-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

I don't understand the concept of modern bicycling. By "modern bicycling" I mean the process by which an average person spends over $1000 on a bicycle he will never use and then spends another $500 on wearing Spandex that he should never wear after reaching the age of 21.

I think the problem with bicycling (as opposed to cycling, which is what professionals do) boils down to the bicycle seat. How come you pay $1000 for a bicycle and get a $5 seat? Can't anyone come up with a seat that is comfortable? I think they should replace the seat with a metal spike and some Vaseline. That would be more comfortable than the seats of today.

Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl

2008-05-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

The Pittsburgh Steelers will be in the Super Bowl XLIII. They have improved dramatically with the drafting of Rashard Mendenhall. They need a power runner -- as emphasized in the "Soup Bowl" last year -- and he's it. No one else they drafted needs to even show up on the football field. Judging from the look of the NFC, if the Steelers get to the Super Bowl, they'll win it. This year is Pittsburgh's year.

Shopping for Men's Shoes and Eye Wear

2008-05-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have made the mistake recently of trying to shop for a GOOD pair of men's shoes. After spending most of my life in a $30 pair sneakers, I decided to upgrade to a pair of expensive shoes. Not necessarily dress shoes, just a pair of shoes that looked good Big Mistake. After seeing the travesty that accounts for men's shoes these days, I came up with three questions for shoe companies.

When did it become fashionable for men to wear flip-flops? No matter what their price tag, they're still flip-flops. No man should be wearing flip-flops unless there is a beach around. I live in Colorado, I a see men wearing a $200 pair of jeans and flip-flops in 45 degree weather. Stop the madness. Any male over the age of thirteen caught wearing flip-flops without any sand around should be forced to take a three day bar tending course to improve his flow of testosterone.
Who decided that men should wear tassels? I don't remember anyone asking me. I want shoes that man people say "that man has taste" not "that man is either gay or just came in from hunting in the Serengeti." Again, punishment for tasseled men should be make them cut the tassels off of their shoes, take a three day bar tending course, and dig ditches for two weeks.
Why penny loafers? The penny loafer is the epitome of bad men's shoes. No self-respecting man should be caught alive or dead in them. Those caught still breathing and wearing the worst fashion statement ever made should take a three day bar tending course, dig ditches for two weeks, and build a Habitat for Humanity house -- by themselves.

The state of men's shoes is pathetic. And don't bother googling "good men's shoes" because the results are not. It's enough to make one stick to the bargain bin at Famous Footwear.

Of course some designer could solve this problem, then maybe he could move on to the sorry state of eye wear. Didn't anyone watch that Seinfeld episode? It's been over a decade. Men have two choices for eye wear:

Glasses that haven't changed since the 1950's.
Glasses that look better on women.

No wonder everyone complains about how men dress.

Who decided that men want to wear tassels on their shoes?